For Sonny..

my littleman. the only nephew i've ever had. it's hard to think about him leaving. i wonder at times, did God send me home to be with him, for even this short period of time? we've done alot of things together and he always knows how to make me smile. to him, i'm known as "aunt heada", and as funny as it sounds, i wouldn't want to be called anything else. i pray that the Lord watches over him as he always has. i hope that his mom starts treating him right and that someday we will get to see him again.
I will always love you, and I'm going to miss you, oh so terribly.

a fresh start...

Monday is knocking on my door already. Another fun-filled week of searching for yet, another job. As of lately, I've seriously been thinking of just going back to school and trying to get a butt load of grants and/or loans. I want to be a teacher, preferrably K-5. But, then again - I still want to do Public Relations & Music Management. I look into the future alot, and I don't think I can see myself at age 50 standing behind stage at Warped Tour still rocking out. I would feel a bit out of place. I'm also not sure if I can find a husband that would want to be the "old folks" buying band t's at a merch table. I would love to tour with bands and do bookings and promotion for them any day of the week - now, but, I'm not sure how much of a future that provides when I'm old and senile. I feel so wishy washy. While writing this, I was listening to Plain White T's - Our Time Now, and everything I just wrote sounds all wrong. It's amazing what music can do to you and for you. I'm grateful for music, it's all that I've had since I've been back in NC. I miss the long nights spent setting up and breaking down with the band, I miss my boys & friends. I have so many great memories, and I met a ton of awesome people and musicians. Utah is home...


Someday....I will return to that wonderful place - and it will be soon....

lately...

i've found as of lately, the more i write - the more i seem to get a peice of myself back. i wake up, i feel the need to write...something, anything. before i close my eyes at night, i have to clear my clouded mind. i stay hidden away in my room most of the time. i never know what i'll find. i want more than anything to be myself - the girl i was 5 months ago. it's hard to deal with the feelings that i hide inside myself. i want to run away. i can't always do that, it won't make things any easier. i feel as if i'm always complaining, and writing these sad soliloquys doesn't make me look any better. This song hits home....hard.

You know it tears me up inside
to see the feelings that you hide
Hide inside that empty bottle
I wish you saw how great you were
I wish you saw what life was worth
You wouldn't have to hide your problems
And I don't care what you might think
I think you've had too much to drink
Can't even talk when you're this way

Run away, run away
But that won't make it any better
Run away, run away
And make tomorrow harder to live than today

There's so much out there you could miss
there's so much life out there to live
If you would just believe in yourself
You know you're better than all of this
you know you've got so much to give
But you're so afraid to give of yourself

There's a bright light shining inside you
it shines out through your eyes
Don't drown it away, don't be afraid, don't hide
Let it shine

You say you're looking for happiness
but when it comes, you run away from it
You tell yourself you don't deserve it
There's not much more that I can do now the rest is up to you
Until you love yourself, you'll never change
You'll keep on running
Until you deal with today

wednesday worries....

i know i'm good for something, i just haven't found it yet. but, i need it.

for the past 5 months, my life has changed so much. i hate the change. i always thought change was supposed to be good. i've been through 3 different jobs and have gotten the short end of the stick everytime. i'm tired of getting burned. i'm down to ashes and i'm starting to blow away...
my relationships with friends, and family have suffered. they are still suffering, and i'm afraid that nothing may ever be the same again. life can come at you so fast, and you miss out on so many things. yet, somehow your still a part of everything. i've been sitting beside myself for far too long, i don't know who i am anymore...